Amnesia Age Equestria, And Also Aperture
by Ralxyr
Summary: Kordian, Eridan, and Ralek all go to a bar and drink till they pass out.  When they wake up, they find themselves in an old castle, sometime in the 19th century.  Sort of Sequels to Dragon Age Z: A Crackic.


AMNESIA AGE EQUESTRIA

AND ALSO APERTURE

_More trolling was performed._

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><p>And so, Eridan Tendren the Quick, Kordian Sobieski the Metalbreaker, and Ralek Sirocci the Slick all went to a tavern to get drunk as hell. When they woke up the next morning, they found themselves separated, in an old, 19th century castle. They split up to unravel this mystery... and the scientific fax.<p>

Eridan had no recollection of the previous night. The thing he noticed was that he had a splitting headache and a letter beside him.

The letter said, "Eridan, you got drunk and entered an ancient castle, again. Signed, your past self, Eridan."

When Ralek woke up, he found that he wasn't wearing underpants, had a VERY expensive stolen sword next to him covered in something, and the shrunken head of Kerxaro.

Kordian later woke up in a room full of barrels and on top of one was Stephano, who escorted him out of the room, avoiding the Bro's growls down the corridor

Eridan then walked slowly toward a nearby door and heard a voice say "I'm pumped" Eridan then looked for the source of the voice and found it coming from a pig. He then named the pig Piggeh and brought him with him.

Ralek quickly ran into a supply room and STOLE ALL THE OIL!

But sadly, Ralek didn't have a lantern and he slowly went insane in the dark.

Eridan then found some oil and helped Ralek regain his sanity. They then agreed to look for Kordian.

As soon as Ralek left the room, Kordian and Stephano went in, they has no idea that either Ralek or Eridan were in the castle

Eridan soon encountered the Bro. He evaded him by holding a painting to face because the Bro's A.I was stupid.

But then, a Bro came barging through the door but it was no ordinary Bro, it was Ms. Merrick and she yelled "R&A MOTHERFUCKER!"

Kordian then threw Stephano at her face and she then fell out of a window and was then consumed by the Shadow

Unfortunately, with no light, Ralek quickly walked right into one of the monsters. Fortunately, some small amount of power from the gods remained and was able to slay the Bro. It then got back up and ate him.

Eridan, seeing Ralek get devoured, clubbed the bro on the head and ran away like a boss.

Kordian the wondered if his beloved Bianca was safe, he prayed for her and moved on, using the power of RELIGION.

Eridan then found Kordian and embraced the power of RELIGION.

He was being chased by Ms. Merrick bro and then he stopped, wondered and asked himself "How the fuck can she run so fast?" for she was morbidly obese.

She then tripped and fell down some stairs, as Eridan and Kordian saw this, they laughed and got JUGs.

The Bro, still with Ralek in it's stomach, eventually found itself in the Baron's room.

Using their bibles, Kordian and Eridan removed their jugs and then religiously smashed Ms. Merrick's face with Jesus

Kordian never got a JUG so he rage quit and threw Piggeh out the window along with some barrels.

This was fortunate, as Piggeh was a Bro all along.

Piggeh then tried to attack Kordian, but was intercepted by Eridan and was then thrown into an oven to become a delicious ham.

Kordian suddenly appeared in the Baron's room like a pokemon and fucked the bro until he died, he then freed Ralek with the power of RELIGION.

Ralek then used the last of his God-Given powers and burst from the Bro's chest. The Baron was confused.

Eridan, Kordian, and Ralek then proceeded to murderize The Baron's face and desecrate his body by tea bagging his face over and over again, just for the lulzmines.

Despite the brutal beating, the Baron pulled a Rasputin and got the fuck out. Kordian Sobieski then tomohawked him in the back with Ralek's sword.

Kordian could not stack on hams for whatever reason and returned to the castle to shelter himself from the creepers, he advised Ralek and Eridan to do the same.

Eridan and Ralek both slapped Kordian on the head and said "This is Amnesia you dumbass!"

With an "okay" face he stood alone, thinking fondly of his wife until he heard a hiss. Then two hisses.

As it turned out, the Baron had indeed surrounded his castle with Creepers! And we got the fuck back in the castle!

Eridan then opened the developer console and granted the power of no clip to himself, Kordian, and Ralek.

With an "I told you so!" Kordian performed "Martyrdom", sacrificing his health to make a holy explosion absolve all them bitches!

While in the castle, we ran into some stupid amnesiac fuck and killed his ass and stole his stuff. As usual we found only grey quality items.

We also made some new friends, Piggeh and Stephano, who were now normal. But then a mysterious creature descended from the chimney. It was Sandy Claws

With previous knowledge, Ralek knew exactly what Kordian intended to do, and screamed to the Heavens. However, as it turned out the Baron was still alive, and was an ANCIENT ALIEN, who used his Ascension bullshit, and killed Sandy Claws!

Kordian was slightly relived but he had nothing to lock up in his box, so he used it on Baron instead! He locked him in a box, gagged him with a spoon and made him suck their cocks.

Ralek shouted "OH NOOOOOO"! And vomited all over the place. It then turned out that his vomit was acidic and everyone died.

But Eridan had no clip, so the vomit passed right through him.

Ralek Sirocci Ralek just kind of went back into the castle, where he discovered something  
>amazing. It was a portal to a new land! And through this portal they went. In a flash of light transported our heroes to... Equestria?<p>

But then Kordian proceeded with having sex with the Baron's babies as the demon, Pitbull brainwashed him to do so. Posessed with Pitbull, he tried to religiously smash his own fucking face with Jesus.

He could not unleash Pitbull into Equestria, the cost was to great. Eridan then performed an exorcism on Kordian, removed Pitbull, and absorbed Pitbull's soul into Soul Edge.

Kordian then asked, "WTF? You had that all along?" But then the cursed song "Give me Everything" emitted from Soul Edge and Soul Edge itself had sex with babies.

Ralek, who had no idea what Equestria was, went to the local tavern to learn and get shitfaced. Eridan then told Ralek that Equestria is a place full of ponies and where friendship is magic.

But it was 10000 years in the future where it was renamed Kickassia by Dinkelburg. Ralek shouted "DAMN YOU DINKLEBURG!"

Darklord Dinkelburg took advantage of this and imprisoned Ralek for he was Mr. Turner in a past life. Ralek, realizing what this meant, used a magic stirring inside him since he was six, unleashed the power of the hipster brony, and turned into a giant Brony with wings. He smashed the castle of Darklord Dinkleburg and everyone went back to the tavern and got shitfaced.

And so they all got drunk again. Kordian had no time, his sword was enough and with a "Squadilah!" from Ralek the brony, they were off to Korodai. Eridan transformed into Night Terror and joined his friends for Night Terror had flaming wings of awesome.

They were drunk, so they ended up in another portal. This led them to an Aperture Science Enrichment Facility. Eridan and Kordian then received cake. Ralek got a companion cube.

GLaDOS told everyone to put the stuff back until they finished their tests. Deciding to play along, they did so. She quickly rearranged the test chambers for triple co-op testing. They were seperated though and when drunk even the simple 2+2 was an impossible task

GLaDOS then put them through a Emancipation Grill and removed the alcohol from their bodies. The three were given their own Portal guns, and quickly haxed through the test chambers with their supernatural skills. GLaDOS was unable to compute, and so she exploded.

The Space Core was chosen as her replacement. He quickly built a Space-Time displacement device and brought our three heroes, and himself, to a new place. But what is this new land? And will our heroes be able to survive? Find out next time, on Dragon Age Z!


End file.
